just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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