Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I fill condoms, not promises.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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