cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
did i just pee glitter
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
