Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
