Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
