Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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