This is not my ceiling
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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