So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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