It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
