The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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