When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
