Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
