i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
