i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
