More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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