Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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