We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
