My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I need a beard to bite.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize