Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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