after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
