theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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