that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
