Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
