Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
