dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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