Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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