Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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