Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
