I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
