I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize