I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
