How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
