The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
