You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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