Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
