I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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