So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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