Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
