Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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