They should really pass out barf bags in church
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
