just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
