hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
