I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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