She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
