I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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