They should really pass out barf bags in church
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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