He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
