i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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