Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
