I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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