in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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