Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
