I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
