I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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