U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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