i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
