i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Drunk is not a location!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
