im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
